My oh my... it has been approximately 6 months since my last update. I apologize greatly. I wasn't able to post that promised update, mostly because when it was all done and over with, things sprung up. When March came by, it ended with me going to London while in the middle of making the update. I was having writer's block and I thought it would be better to continue the update when I returned from the trip. I have to admit, going to London, England was the most greatest week of my life. I enjoyed every moment of it. Then I returned and April came by. That month was horrible. My co-GM vanished and everything was put on hold (in reality, it died before letting off)... plus a player or two didn't bother posting. At the end of April or the beginning of May, Mariyam and I broke up... and now, for the past few months, I've been a wreck... still am, still not over the fact that it was I who fucked up. I tried getting back together with her, but it ended up being that I destroyed her. Now I go to sleep with remorse and fear and self-loathing. Well, the self-loathing was always there, but it was magnified.
My life was destroyed in a matter of weeks. Now, for the past while, I've been undergoing self-psychoanalysis. I've been depressed far more than normal, and knowing me, I've been turning into House because I want to solve the puzzle.
What is the puzzle, you ask? Why, it's my very identity. Ever since the break up and failure to get back together with my ex, I realized that I never had an identity. That is one of the many pieces of the puzzle. Was it the source of my depression? An unconscious realization that I was truly a nobody? Probably. But, self-analyzing isn't very accurate since, as a human-being, I would never know my own problems through my jaded eyes. Someone else who knows me may know the problem... if they REALLY knew me. But, I am stuck with no one. No one truly analyzed me, no one truly knows me because I never truly talk about myself. I'm literally a nobody, seemingly. And any sense of identity that I did have was that I was a collage of different ideal aspects of people. I was just an idea. Not my idea, but THEIR idea. I tried, hard, to be perfect, to strive to be what people desire and what I wanted to be. Honestly, Mariyam and my father were right... I don't know what I want. I am an automaton that desired nothing. All I wanted was what I need. Food, drink, a roof over my head... what did I want? Games? A family? No, no... those were merely ideas...
So, as you can see, my soul-searching is only making me ask more questions. What is it like to desire something? What is it like to actually want something? I'm very nihilistic in nature, which is perhaps why I am naturally depressed no matter what. My soul is a black hole. Now, I know what it is like to desire... only because I felt loss. A true loss after 10 years of not losing anything important to me. 10 years, living on my little island of isolation. What is it like to desire? Well, it feels like you need it when you know you truly don't. It's like dying of thirst, but unable to find water. That is desire. You feel as if you need it, despite knowing you don't... I desire Mariyam back. I desire to live my entire life with her and her alone. I feel like I need this, to rid myself of this hole that I've just discovered was there.
Sad thing is, was that when I went to London to visit her, I never once felt depressed when I was with her. Never once did I feel angry or stressed or hateful. I felt warm, happy, and I knew then that everything would be alright. Coming back to the US was a mistake... but staying there would have been a mistake, too... Life is complicated. Therefore, life sucks. No argument around this fact. It can't be either/or, it just is. If life wasn't complicated, it wouldn't suck at all. It would be going smoothly and no one would be in too much pain. That's fact. Can't argue it. If you do, you'll make yourself look like an idiot. I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, I'm saying this because it's true. It's wisdom.
However, we can enjoy the complications when we have someone with us to make it suck less. It sucks, nevertheless, but to have the right person there makes it feel lighter, as if they're carrying your half of the burden and you know that, in the end, everything will be alright. I don't give a shit if this is cliche or cheesy. I don't give a shit because I know it's true. I've experienced it and I have accepted it.
And, as a follow up, I am apparently going insane. Maybe not by clinical say-so's, but because I can't help but feel like the madness of my thoughts have multiplied 10-fold. My head feels like it's going to rupture and that everything inside it will spill out and become real. Which isn't good, mind you, because then you'll wonder what Lovecraftian horror would come from the primordial pandemonium that was once contained inside this cranium of mine.
I even wrote a poem that reflected this.
Ah well...
I pray you enjoyed this crummy, half-insane update.
No comments:
Post a Comment