Tome of Infinity

Another update... but, rather than have sad news and sad ramblings, I bring unto you a new blog. Well... an archive, but nevertheless. I call it "Tome of Infinity." It will house my works, poems and purple-prose-o'-doom. So, read at your own risk. This idea came to me when I was trying to sleep... like so many other ideas... and I decided to go with it. It's not a commitment of any kind and I know I can update it whenever I so please. So, it's quite useful.

Here's the site address: http://tomeofinfinity.blogspot.com/2010/08/tome-of-infinity.html

I'll have all my works that I have on this computer up on Tome of Infinity, and I pray that you all will read it. Feedback would be nice. I again warn everyone the dangers of these writings. They're either mildly depressing or fucked up. Or, all over, terrible. But, I can't give you all my own opinion about my works... Just lemme know if you like them or not and... have fun? Or something.

Thanks for reading.

A New Update

My oh my... it has been approximately 6 months since my last update. I apologize greatly. I wasn't able to post that promised update, mostly because when it was all done and over with, things sprung up. When March came by, it ended with me going to London while in the middle of making the update. I was having writer's block and I thought it would be better to continue the update when I returned from the trip. I have to admit, going to London, England was the most greatest week of my life. I enjoyed every moment of it. Then I returned and April came by. That month was horrible. My co-GM vanished and everything was put on hold (in reality, it died before letting off)... plus a player or two didn't bother posting. At the end of April or the beginning of May, Mariyam and I broke up... and now, for the past few months, I've been a wreck... still am, still not over the fact that it was I who fucked up. I tried getting back together with her, but it ended up being that I destroyed her. Now I go to sleep with remorse and fear and self-loathing. Well, the self-loathing was always there, but it was magnified.

My life was destroyed in a matter of weeks. Now, for the past while, I've been undergoing self-psychoanalysis. I've been depressed far more than normal, and knowing me, I've been turning into House because I want to solve the puzzle.

What is the puzzle, you ask? Why, it's my very identity. Ever since the break up and failure to get back together with my ex, I realized that I never had an identity. That is one of the many pieces of the puzzle. Was it the source of my depression? An unconscious realization that I was truly a nobody? Probably. But, self-analyzing isn't very accurate since, as a human-being, I would never know my own problems through my jaded eyes. Someone else who knows me may know the problem... if they REALLY knew me. But, I am stuck with no one. No one truly analyzed me, no one truly knows me because I never truly talk about myself. I'm literally a nobody, seemingly. And any sense of identity that I did have was that I was a collage of different ideal aspects of people. I was just an idea. Not my idea, but THEIR idea. I tried, hard, to be perfect, to strive to be what people desire and what I wanted to be. Honestly, Mariyam and my father were right... I don't know what I want. I am an automaton that desired nothing. All I wanted was what I need. Food, drink, a roof over my head... what did I want? Games? A family? No, no... those were merely ideas...

So, as you can see, my soul-searching is only making me ask more questions. What is it like to desire something? What is it like to actually want something? I'm very nihilistic in nature, which is perhaps why I am naturally depressed no matter what. My soul is a black hole. Now, I know what it is like to desire... only because I felt loss. A true loss after 10 years of not losing anything important to me. 10 years, living on my little island of isolation. What is it like to desire? Well, it feels like you need it when you know you truly don't. It's like dying of thirst, but unable to find water. That is desire. You feel as if you need it, despite knowing you don't... I desire Mariyam back. I desire to live my entire life with her and her alone. I feel like I need this, to rid myself of this hole that I've just discovered was there.

Sad thing is, was that when I went to London to visit her, I never once felt depressed when I was with her. Never once did I feel angry or stressed or hateful. I felt warm, happy, and I knew then that everything would be alright. Coming back to the US was a mistake... but staying there would have been a mistake, too... Life is complicated. Therefore, life sucks. No argument around this fact. It can't be either/or, it just is. If life wasn't complicated, it wouldn't suck at all. It would be going smoothly and no one would be in too much pain. That's fact. Can't argue it. If you do, you'll make yourself look like an idiot. I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, I'm saying this because it's true. It's wisdom.

However, we can enjoy the complications when we have someone with us to make it suck less. It sucks, nevertheless, but to have the right person there makes it feel lighter, as if they're carrying your half of the burden and you know that, in the end, everything will be alright. I don't give a shit if this is cliche or cheesy. I don't give a shit because I know it's true. I've experienced it and I have accepted it.

And, as a follow up, I am apparently going insane. Maybe not by clinical say-so's, but because I can't help but feel like the madness of my thoughts have multiplied 10-fold. My head feels like it's going to rupture and that everything inside it will spill out and become real. Which isn't good, mind you, because then you'll wonder what Lovecraftian horror would come from the primordial pandemonium that was once contained inside this cranium of mine.

I even wrote a poem that reflected this.

Ah well...

I pray you enjoyed this crummy, half-insane update.

Secrecy and Surprises... Mmmm, my favorites!

Ah, to be 18 and kickass. It's so healthy to have such a mindset about this age. To be honest, in the beginning I was skeptical that I would feel any different when I turn 18. I mean, psh, why should I? Every other year was boring and the same... but this number, 18, is quite magical. I'm an adult, legally, and I have as many freedoms as I do constraints. But this matters not... for now that my birthday has passed (it was yesterday), my ego and ingenuity has birthed a resolve that has never before been shown to me. This opportunity was spawned two days ago when my old friend Shroud has returned to the Forums after a long disappearance. I didn't realize it then, but with his return came a great and golden opportunity. Now that I saw it, still there and wavering, I snatched the chance and ran for the goal. I asked Shroud to Co-GM with me on an RP that I'm willing to share with him. We're great friends and are always willing to assist one another, and for this I am happy.

Now, this RP I have planned is a tad bit on the down-low, but I will have everyone know that it is well under way, despite the fact that this information is only useful for the RP Section of the Forum. With further luck, this RP will overshadow my own failed attempts (due to laziness and the evanescence of my RPers) and bring about a magnificent story. I'll try, harder than ever, to enjoy myself rather than be serious with the cursed thing.

Now to explain why I asked Shroud to Co-GM with me rather than the other most qualified candidates. For starters, Shroud and I have been good friends for a whole year and a half and we know each others minds like the back of our hands. He's the loony scientist and I'm the lazy poet. We both strive for ingenuity and fun in a story and it works out well when our two minds are together. Like last year, he and I, along with another good friend, pooled all of our thoughts together to make a fantasy epic. Now, if we were all incapable of being beaten by real life, we could've succeeded with the RP. But we didn't. Plus, there was a slight anomaly amongst our ranks of RPers. Anywho, with the ever-present evanescence, we couldn't get much done. However, Shroud and I enjoy each others RPs and when we're put together, we make an idea much better than what it was through brainstorming and creation of otherworldly lore.

Now, another reason being, is because I trust Shroud more than most people with my ideas. We keep our ideas close at hand and slowly weave a nexus of sub-plots and plot-twists. To be honest, that's the coolest part of Co-GMing with Shroud. He knows when to do such things that it's remarkable and very entertaining, even if it's sad. (But, then again, I'm an odd guy like that, always being amused and never deterred by such things).

Sure, I could've chose someone else, like my friend King Raven, who is also a genius at such things or Ryan who can help create a fascinating world for a great story. There's also Jonath, who is a master of manipulation and making people wonder what will happen next. But, no, I wanted Shroud, for it would be a great return present for him and it'll help exercise our style of writing to the most extreme and hopefully entrance people.

Now, out of all these people, my friend Riftun will most likely be happy with joining the RP with his two best friends (Shroud and I). I can't wait to see his excitement, to be honest.

Hrm... well, enough info for today. The next time I update, it'll be a road of bread crumbs for you all to follow. Information on the RP will be on the next update ;)

Destiny's A-Callin'

So, here I am, sitting in my chair, attempting to post a blog. Why? No clue, but it feels right. What is this blog about, you ask? I'm sure you're asking this because you're curious about the title, why it's so weird, and as to why you are reading it. It appeals to you? Who knows, but for the sake of my own verbosity, I suppose this blog is about my future, my goals, and how this could possibly relate to you.

So, shall I get started?

When I was younger, I dreamed about becoming an astronaut. I was highly interested in planets, stars, the vastness of space, and the entire universe and its precious contents. Years later, I came to the conclusion that I had a hatred for heights. It's not that I am afraid, but it's because it makes me feel things I don't like feeling. Helplessness, to sum it all up. I hate that feeling. So, I dropped the idea. Several years later, I found out I loved drawing. Who doesn't? Drawing is fun, even if it's a terrible picture. I wanted to draw comics and cartoons, but, like my astronaut dream, it met a terrible fate called "limitations." Regardless of how fun it was to draw, I gave up on the dream because of my own criticisms. It wasn't good enough. Not to me anyway. Plus, I couldn't, and still cannot, do actions other than portraits. And those portraits are boring... even if they have a cool design. I can't draw women and I can't draw objects. But this can be remedied.

Beyond this, however, I developed a new dream a couple years later. This dream was, and still is, to write. I love writing. It's as fun writing as it is reading. A few years of this and I found out that I have a love for creation. I love to create things, there's so much power to it. As human-beings, power is a drug, like cocaine. It can get addicting and it is. But this is a lecture for another time. Or whenever I feel like ranting about the flaws of mankind. The power to create is a wonderful stimulant for the mind, because it also helps you develop a sense of empathy. Compassion, however, can be clouded by one's own selfishness. I guarantee you there are a few authors out there who, rather than use their developed sense of compassion, simply act like haughty kings, acting snobbish over their lessers.

This, too, is what we're going to save for another day... it may be part of the same lecture, but whatever.

So, I developed a new dream to write. This then mingled with my talent to draw (and mind you, I use the term "talent" loosely). It took several months to click, but eventually, a new window of opportunity opened. I was reading webcomics when this happened, so you should understand that this was, perhaps, no coincidence. So, given the opportunity to exercise my love, my wonderful hobbies, I took the chance and leaped through the window. Sadly, I should have just took my time. I see how much work there is into making a webcomic, though this does not deter my desires, and now I'm taking it slow and touring around this new world. Mind you, this still a part of my dream to be a writer. I shall be a writer.

Now, however, I am about to finish High School and in the end I'll soon be a Freshman in College (or perhaps a University). My future career... my oh my is this such a hard decision. I have a lot of fancies, ranging from English to Psychology. Chemistry to Physics to Astrology. Computer Networking to Graphic Design. I have a lot of fancies indeed. Though I want to be a writer, I need a career that'll help pay the bills. So, as of currently, I am thinking over my options. Teaching (High School English, hopefully), Psychiatry, Journalism, Graphic Designer, or perhaps even an IT guy. Who knows, I have a few years to think of it, but it's all so confusing.

Though, on a positive note, my muse has woke up, like it does every so often, and began to sing its song. So, now, I have an idea for a story, and so I am writing. But will this be THE story that's finished and published and making me tons of money, along with a strong sense of self-satisfaction? Or is it yet another story that is to be thrown into the dark, only to turn to dust and be forgotten? I pray it's the first one, and I hope my new outlook, to just have fun with it and give into the urges, will assist in making this THE story.

If so, this story may make all of my favorite authors toss and turn with laughter in their graves for the super-mesh of genres :P